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"May I always be the kind of person my dog thinks I am"

Just for Laughs

Do you have a bit of doggy humour that you'd like to share with all the other dog lovers out there? 

Just email it in to us at CanaDogs.com and we will post it below.

Remember that this is a family site, so keep it clean. We do reserve the right to limit, edit, or refuse jokes as we deem necessary.

 


Dog Cartoon

Dalmatians

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. 

The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
        
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. 
   
    
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."


God and Dog

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that dog might, or might not, retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.


Let Sleeping Dogs Lie...

Dog House Rules:


1.

Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the doghouse.

2.

Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3. 

Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner. 

4. 

Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5.

Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.

6. 

The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7.

Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

8. 

Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture...upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9.

The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10.

Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11.

Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.

12. 

Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.

13. 

Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.

14. 

Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.

15. 

The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.

Open Letter to My Dog:


Dear Dogs,


When I say move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

And finally, the proper order is kiss me, then go smell other dogs' butts. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you guys to make.

                                              -  Anonymous

Best Friends

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.  He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."  "How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell".

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?


Golden Retriever:  
  

The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us and you're inside worrying about a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one!?! Let me check and while I'm there I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code!
Dachshund:   I can't even reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it! By the time he's finished rewiring my house, my nails will be dry!
Rottweiler: Go ahead. Make me!
Shih-Tzu: Puh-leese dah-ling, let the servants.......
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Labrador: Oh me, me, pleeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute:  Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff:  Mastiff's are NOT afraid of the dark.
Basset Hound:  ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and made just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Chihuahua:   Yo quiero taco bulb.
Pointer:  I see it, there it is, it's right there...
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Greyhound:   It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd:  First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
Old English Sheepdog:   Light bulb? LIGHT BULB? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Cross-breeds

Crossing purebred dogs can lead to some interesting new breeds. Check out these new dogs: 

A Pointer and a Setter = a Pointsetter - at his best at Christmas time.
A Collie and a Malamute = a Commute - the dog who loves to ride in the car.
A Collie and a Lhasa Apso = Collapso - a dog that folds up for easy transport.
A Deerhound and a Terrier = a Derriere - a dog that's true to the end.
A Spitz and a Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow - a dog that throws up a lot.
A Bloodhound and a Borzoi = Bloody Bore - a dog that's not much fun.
A Bloodhound and a Labrador = Blabador - a dog that barks incessantly.
A Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso = Peekasso - an abstract dog.
An Irish Water Spaniel and an English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer - a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
A Newfoundland and a Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound - a dog for financial advisors.
A Terrier and a Bulldog = Terribull - a dog that makes awful mistakes.
A Kerry Blue Terrier and a Skye Terrier = Blue Skye - a dog for visionaries.
A Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund = Pyradachs - a puzzling breed.
A Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever - the choice of research scientists.
  A Malamute and a Pointer = Moot Point - owned by....oh well, it doesn't matter anyway.

Dogs Know

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.  He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.. 

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.  
 This continued off and on for several weeks. 

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3
 He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'